Assessment 3 - I will always love you

“Why God doesn’t want to come and take me away. I’m done suffering with all these.” She said that with shaky, slow, rough and deep voice. Sitting on the cane chair, she was sad, crying and telling me why God had to torture her. This was what I always heard from her at the last year of her life. I was scared. I was too young and immature to think correctly.  All I know is I hated her for saying that and I was terrified to lose her. Instead of accompany her as much time as I could, I avoided. Instead of visiting few times a week, I made it once a week.  And I regretted so much for doing that. I did not understand why she wanted to leave us so much. But now, I do.

She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever know.  Not just she survived 3 strokes at the last stage of her life, she raised 12 kid by herself and made sure they are all healthy.

Her husband died when she was 40, few months after she gave birth to her last son, who is my father. She raised her children independently with love. She went through the terrible World War II era and forced to separate with two of her eldest children. She had no choice but to left them with the relatives in China and came back to Malaysia. But she never gives up getting them back to her side. Hardship never beat her down.

She was 70 years old when I first know her. Age had done something on her face with the wrinkle and scars on her body tell stories. 70 may be a big number but she’s young at heart.  Moving around actively as she is ten years younger. I was told that she worked hard after the death of her husband in a rubber plantation from dawn till dusk. I have no idea where she got the unlimited energy to keep her active. After one whole day of work, she had to cook for the entire family and did house chores with the help of her daughters.

The Chinese Malaysian still practices the tradition. As a Taoist, she lit up 19 joss sticks as a respect to the every God every single day, twice a day and never miss a day. When she’s out of town, she’ll make sure someone at home will do it for her. Chinese believes that if you respect your God, your generations will be blessed with prosperity and health. She loved her family more than she loved herself. Her enthusiasm was answered. Market in the Malaysia language is ‘pasar’. There is one morning ‘pasar’ nearby my house.  Every morning she woke up before the cock crows and breaks the dawn. One cup of ‘kopi’ (Americano coffee in a Malaysian style) and biscuit started her daily routine. She walked to the ‘pasar’, picked up newspaper, bought groceries and our breakfast, talked to the neighbours, visited her son and daughter-in-law who owned a grocery store in the market and helped them out. She never stopped moving.

Wise and well respected in the town for her generosity on offering her help, I grew up many people coming in and out, most of them are family friends. Either they looked for traditional medication treatment or choose a decent date to get married. Chinese believed that having an event on an ideal date will help ensure that everything is going to be smooth. I could not thank her enough for giving me such a big happy family. I vividly remember where every Sunday night, all the family members gathered around in the house. There are about 50 of us, filled up the entire living room with laughter. Something I look forward to every week. She did not just influence the outsiders; she did it on me too. She always tells me to be a good girl, study hard and do not disappoint my family. She told me the stories during the hardest part of her life, said that I am very lucky to be born at this time. She wanted me to be grateful of what I have now. I remembered everything that she taught me.

Did I mention what an excellent cook she was? Growing up in a Hokkien family, she had responsible for my taste buds preference. I cannot find anything similar outside there in any restaurant. Even my mom and aunt said they cannot do better than her. Now that she is gone, she left no recipe but a great memory to be remembered.

I lived in the same house with her until I was 14 when dad got us a new house right behind her house. She refused to move in with us as she said she earned and bought that house with all her hard-earned money and it is hard for her to leave it. We thought it would not make a difference as we are still near to each other and we can visit her frequently.

Being stubborn made things worse, she was old and needed to take care of. She refused to be taken care by full time maid and insisted that she can do it by her own. One fell on the stairs triggered her first stroke. Slowly she recovered from the first and she could not wait to start walking. This time, she had to walk with a stick. I always visit her and she never stop telling me her progress of how she can walk without stick. Another stroke hits when she tried to let of the stick when she was alone in the house. That took away her mobility.

Being unable to move no matter how hard she wanted is killing her. She used to be so active. Now I understand. She was losing her memory and ability to talk like a normal person. Her pessimism scared off some family members. People did not visit her like how they did anymore. My father felt he had to be responsible for all these. He visited her on daily basis after he finished working. He hired a full-time maid to take care of all her needs. I rarely visit her by myself like what I used to do. To distract her from that, sometimes I brought along my dog or my rabbits to cheer her up. I updated her news of family members or current news. I hate her for being pessimistic but I tried my best to make her happy.

Not sure when the last stroke hit but she had to lie on the bed since and lost most of her conscious.

On January 27^th 2010, she was brought away peacefully. I was far away from home when mom called and delivered this sad news. Tried my best to hop on the first bus back home. When I finally got there, she was still breathing vaguely without conscious. Doctor told us that she will leave in an hour. I was sad but feeling happy at the same time. Now she is in somewhere happy and freed from suffer.

News spread and all the family and friends came back. Funeral was held, everyone attended to paid their last respect for this woman whom played such a remarkable role in our life. I didn’t know what her last word on her death bed was, nor told by anyone about it. One thing I know is she never stop loving us nor loved by us.

Grandma, I will always love you.